Just for you…

When I met you, I was simply afraid

You calmed my fears and dumped them instead

I loved the feeling of being cared by you

The gamut of emotions invoked were never so true

I felt like a baby in your arms

Never had I felt so calm

Your touch was beautifully soothing

I was far-flung from brooding

I made you hold me so closely

Your protective shroud felt lovely

I looked into your eyes poured with love

I felt as peaceful as a dove

Sitting next to you, I was so blasé

The tunes of shores brought me to solace

My fears swayed with the rhythm of sand

It was then, when I really held your hand

I learnt the sense of dependency

In all my fits of frenzy

Each time I was down

It was you who I looked upon

You tried to be with me

Just that I couldn’t see

I am scared to fall down now

If that’s what it takes to frown

My feelings for you were so true

If only you could see them through

To the world I would be sorted

Or would I be putting a façade?

The notion of end is shuddering

Is it me who is cowering?

What I had with you was beautiful

In my life I had never felt so full

I simply thank you for everything

Without you, I would have relinquished my being

My heart never had a say in blue

But this time I will really miss you…

- Nikita

I love the word beautiful because it sounds just like its name. It is so filling and expressive that its tinkle makes it extremely quenching…

That’s how I feel after landing back home. I feel beautiful. To me, it variedly means tranquil, content, wise, blissful, beaming, and pretty and I feel all of it. I feel the control that I have and I realize it is not heavy but lighter than I could imagine…

I am in the bus, on my way to Nathdwara. It’s a small town in Rajasthan that I must have visited myriad times. It is different this time because it is the need that calls than pleasure. I have been given the sleeper area that I keenly explore and soon realize that it is big enough to accommodate the whole of me (and maybe a couple of bags). Leaving my mother and aunty to each other’s solace, I shut the small haven provided and shun myself from rest of the people for the day to come.

To give me company is The Zahir that, again, I call beautiful. The book is a journey in itself. The turning of each page makes me feel as if I am unwinding every thread of my own life. I am on a voyage of thoughts that, till now, were entwined in the web of life. I have started enjoying my journey and my small room that just defines the space I need. I look out of the window but I am not really looking at what I am. I am smiling. Nature has its mysteries for sure. I jump back in the shores of the mystical words as if they were picked up from my own life…

I am falling in love with the sluggish pace. Everything is so calm and serene that I feel the breeze brushing my face and whispering soothing words to me. The breathing has become so filling that I can feel the air spreading in my lungs and then in the stomach. It’s getting darker and I try to increase my speed to cover maximum number of pages. Unfortunately, it seems that the lethargic pace has got on to me and I start peeping out before the light drowns in the ocean…

I am always less often advised and more ordered to think less so that I remove excess baggage of worthless sorrows from my life. I agree that I am quite pensive by nature. In fact, I think to such an extent that in that state of mind I can create an entire kingdom of imaginary world that has its less pleasurable and more sorrowful moments. I wonder, am I not deceiving myself by believing in the void called happiness that lies around me? Should I simply eschew analyzing to lead a satisfactory life…? Is that how simple it is…? It is easy to deceive but difficult to believe. I might not have the most satisfactory relationships but I don’t pretend to bask in false glory. I move on…

I try taking a nap but maybe, I want to make the most of this rare opportunity of thinking in my own space. I open the window and struggle to find out the distance that we have covered but the darkness doesn’t seem to be in my favor today. I let the air hit my face but it’s more pleasing than annoying. The air seems to erode each phase of my life with its pace. The movement is so fast that I am just feeling lighter and better with each passing minute.

It is dinner time. We have reached Surat. I get down and feel the air gushing in my stomach which is enough for me to realize how hungry I had been! It’s a dhaba type restaurant mainly scurried by travelers and workers. It isn’t very difficult to get a table for three ladies traveling on their own. We order mouth watering mutter paneer with butter nan. The place with its lower standards has amazing food. In addition, they offer special servings with complimentary tissue papers exclusively for us. Too much for this small place! Of course, special treatments are always welcome…

It’s getting colder which is a beautiful change from the scorching heat of Bombay. Subconsciously, the words of The Zahir have created a stir in me as I try and search for my own. I crave to read more of it but alas! The dark wasn’t visible…

It’s the blink of dawn and I get up with the night’s thoughts still blending within. The words soothe my eyes. This particular excerpt hits me. If I could express it, it spoke about me. In life we start our relationships on a great high but later, with the passage of time we lead parallel lives that walk together but never meet each other. We reach a point where the experience of staying in a relationship isn’t gratifying although there is no reason to complain. It is this that makes us continue because there is nothing to whine about. It is how we deceive ourselves in believing that everything is hunky dory as that’s how it is ‘supposed’ to be. We lead our lives like railway tracks. The distance between the two is 4ft 8 ½ inches which is illogical but followed till date because that’s how Romans decided it in the ancient times. They did so because that was the distance between the legs of two horses that transported the carriages! But we blindly follow it because not doing so would mean breaking the rules…

Its hit me. This is the root cause of all my sufferings. I have been entangled in the world that preaches nonconformist ideas but is knotted in traditional ways for quite some time. Till now, I was stuck in the world of hypocrisy where people simply followed rules but yearned to be different in their hearts, gulped down their thoughts so that life could be simpler, distracted themselves in materialistic pleasure so that it reached their level of satisfaction, disparaged others from doing something different when their soul was plain envious. No, I don’t want this life that I don’t have a right on. I don’t want to lead a life that was decided by Romans.

For the first time, I am satisfied for the actions that have helped me in not fooling myself. I haven’t really led an unconventional life but haven’t yet made myself a victim of tradition. Questions murmur in my head. It is easy to talk and write about inspirations but rebelling is not a child’s play. Maybe it’s just a phase. Whether I can do it or not only time will tell…

I am about to reach my destination and I have never felt lighter. I feel naked as if I have shed every agony from my soul. I want to come back and meet every person even associated with minutest incidents of my life. I want to start afresh and the practical person that I am, it’s never too late…

Don't take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive - Elbert Hubbard

Its 8:54 PM right now but seems like midnight to me…! Yeah, I have again started getting these pangs of insomnia and so here I am, writing about it. Gradually, I am becoming comfortable with this bushed state of mind as the lone feeling of staying awake when the whole world sleeps is soothing; the advantage of being lost and indifferent at the strike of dawn couldn’t be more comforting. Maybe, I want to be a day-dreamer so that I become numb; frozen of feelings that affect me, scenarios that prick me, thoughts that twinge the tetchy me…

I must be thoroughly self obsessed to even mention my so called birthday that’s nearing. But here I am, writing about it. They ask me what I want and I yearn for tranquility. No showering of gifts, no grandeur affairs can help me seek what I am looking out for. As a toddler, I always made sure people remembered D-day months and months before its arrival just to end up crying the most on the day due to lack of ‘enough’ attention. Birthdays came and went and here I am; scared, shuddering, dreading to reach the boundary that detaches me from a care free teenage life and pushes me into a new world, a world of forged gallantry, a world that signifies a seemingly ‘heaven like’ but an ‘abysmal ditch’, a world that can make and break my little shell apart. I want to freeze the time, rewind it back, pick my own people and kick the others off! I want to be me and just me…

Tired of the downbeat vigor that surrounds me and here I am writing about it. Exhausted of helping to breathe, trying to survive. All I want is feelings subtracted from manipulation, love without condition, life without materialism, smile without reason…

I want to give but don’t open, I want to help you fly but my wings don’t flutter, I want to be myself but the me just stutters…

And here I am penning every bit of it…

The sun was finally playing its games. It had conveniently hidden itself behind a sheet of grey patch that appeared like a thin film of darkness above a glorifying brightness. Sipping a last few drops of the invigorating hot coffee, I tried to immerse myself in ‘The Kite Runner’ although my mind insisted on wandering with the breeze that blew on my face like a nurturing soft hand with motherly warmth to it. I didn’t restrict my hair from flowing; the pages of the book had also started fluttering but I had no intention of stopping it. It was not the action but the freedom that I didn’t intend to stop, the freedom of enjoying the simple process of breathing; yes, I was enjoying it after a long time. Again, my mind insisted on flowing when a fine sprinkle of water felt my skin; the mere feeling of the first drizzle turned my cheeks into rosy silk that were still wet with its touch. This time I didn’t stop my emotions from flowing. Rains had brought back a lot of memories that harmoniously yearned to blend with the breeze and be free forever. I realized that a shunned isolated part of my mind had opened so easily without any struggle whatsoever and everything was simply floating in the atmosphere, flowing away and I didn’t seem to mind it for the first time…

My first beautiful long kiss, yes, it was an instigation of the atmosphere, the first showers. It was the initial drizzle when my skin was felt and touched for the first time. I experienced love in the showers. It was this liberty of the nature that bestowed on me the opportunity of experiencing the most beautiful feeling that ever existed on this earth. It helped me understand the word beautiful and suddenly, I was in love with it. I was in love with love.

It had even rained on that day, when he left me, never to return back! I realize it was the same wind then that tried to ease and soothe my emotions but I felt trapped and betrayed because I wanted to be shunned…

I could see them all flowing; I noticed the memories swaying away… my first kiss, that hug, his scent, his touch; they were all dancing to the tunes of the blowing wind that kissed my skin over and over again. I could feel it all again, I felt like dancing… I could see him going away. I knew it was him who had helped me set it all free, who had helped me feel the air I was inhaling after a long time.

The memories didn’t go away from me, but hugged me back in acceptance. The elation of getting them back and living them for the first time knew no bounds. There was freshness all around and I couldn’t believe my luck when the mere flow of life helped me start afresh altogether. I didn’t want to stop the harmony; I danced to the tunes and moved on. I found solace in the arms of nature… it had played its magic again.

-Riya

I wish I had some control on my thoughts. For the first time I wish my space was private. I could have made a private one but I didn’t have the heart to do so. There are so many unshared thoughts, so many unshared feelings that are ambiguous and revolving in my head like a buzzing mosquito that seems innocuous but cannot be ignored.

I am losing the thrill, the excitement in everything I do. God only knows when will I figure out what is indeed really bothering me? Why is it so easy to fall in dumps when you are so happy? Or am I? I think I do have the answers to my own questions but as I said there are millions of ambiguous thoughts roaming in my head that I don’t even know what is it that I am trying to find out…

The thoughts are just filling in the vacuum and I seem to have no control on them. Unfortunately, my inlet doesn’t have an outlet. I am staying in my own world at the same time very much with the outside world. Do I even know what is happening outside? Am I even there with anybody? It’s like suddenly my subconscious mind has become more alive than my conscious mind and I seem to have built a cocoon for myself…

Suddenly I feel like ending everything… writing, blogging, blabbering, ohh and yes thinking! I want to stop doing things that I am supposed to and breathe at my own will. Paradoxically, there is no one who is stopping me to do the same but I still feel stuck somewhere. I feel like sticking my butt to a place and sit there for days and days without opening my eyes.

But no, I am going to do exactly the opposite. I am going to run away till I get my answers. I don’t care what is right and what is wrong. I don’t want a break as a break would mean an added temptation of another one that I cannot afford. I want to stretch myself to see my limits! A break is not going to give me my answers, it is simply going to give me solace and I don’t even seem to know what I want!

I don’t even know if I can stop what I want to. Writing has given me solace during the time I needed it the most. It is the only mute outlet I seem to have. I wish I was a little surer about my feelings…

I was not going to put this up over here but then at the end of the day it is my space and I can write whatever I want to. It is utter crap and doesn’t make a bit of a sense and that is the whole reason why I am feeling like one!

A poem, I dedicated to someone, when I was 16 years old...

Hussain...

When I look at this earth from my eyes,

It appears to me a place of cruelty and lies.

But when I saw this earth from his gaze,

It appeared to me as new birth of this place.

An eight year old tot, with a big heart,

Through his attractive attitude, he never felt apart.

He ate away his feelings and drank away his pains...

But very well he knew that would give him no gains.

He had artistic and beautiful hands,

Who on a piece of paper portrayed his surrounding lands.

A child, who believed in sanguinity,

And a person who was never led down by negativity.

He blissfully led his life,

With a single lonely dream in his eyes;

From the day of his birth,

He wanted to walk on this earth.

Today I thank to God,

For giving me such a wonderful life.

But I salute him,

For teaching me to believe in life.

- Nikita.

Double Sarcasm!

Today was quite interesting. Well, firstly I had an official writing break after many days and then I had quite a serious discussion with a friend over coffee that actually made me ponder many things. So after a lot of pondering I decided to pen down my thoughts in spite of me trying to abstain from doing so only for the sake of my aching fingers! I just so knew I wouldn’t be able to resist it though! Lol…

So before I start, I will give a gist;

There are two qualities in this world that I simply abhor

·        Sarcasm

·        Double standard

Sarcasm is something that I just simply cannot stand! It’s like those things in life that give you a sickening feeling in your stomach (like when you see a lizard) and make you feel disgusted for days. Ok, I do agree that there have been those rare times when I have also slipped into its shoes but that has been in those extreme desperate moments. As it is my jargon is so bad that whenever I try to be even funnily sarcastic, I always need to inform the other person of the same! Anyway, so my point being, why do people have to be sarcastic? Firstly, what is sarcasm? You just twist the meaning of what you want to say and convey it in an ironical manner but in the process make sure that the person gets the hint.

Gosh! Why are we humans so complicated? Why can’t a person talk, something he wants to convey, just directly? Why just beat around the bush? I am sure that it takes a lot of art and practice to twist the meaning of your line and still convey it and I salute all the people who do it (haha… my rarest sarcasm moment) but people, when things can be easily solved in easy manners then why choose the tricky path in the first place? Phew! I wish I could get these answers some day…

Most of my fights with my best friend are because of sarcasm! Yes, he knows it just too well that how much those sarcastic lines pinch me and hence, my dear fighting buddy never fails to use them . Thus starts a war in the premises of my canteen acting as a battlefield! Sometimes, I so wish that we were kids; at least I would have got that liberty of pulling his hair out of his head that is filled with nothing but vacuum (he is going to kill me after reading this)! Of course, how could I forget the source of my hatred towards sarcasm? If it’s someone from family trying to act sarcastic, then ironically I just patiently count one to ten in my already overflowing head with complicated numbers! How I wish that helped though! As my face always talks and so do I if it gets on my nerves which unfortunately happens most of the time. Lol…

Coming to double standards, I have written so many times about my revulsion towards them that I just don’t seem to get exhausted! How? How? And how can a person preach something and practice something else? Whenever, I think about it, I get that disgusted huge question mark on my face like my little niece who gets it when she fails to understand why I don’t share my favorite soft bunny cushion with her! 

So, today, I indeed had a very similar expression on my face when I was discussing my abhorrence towards certain things with him. The reaction that I got was, “You are really a very difficult person!”

Ok, I do know, I am a very difficult person mainly because of my tacit nature and my abhorrence towards many things but then I surely wasn’t expecting this as I did not know why my detestation towards the two was wrong!

“You live in India where almost everybody is like that, by reacting the way you react, you simply are making life complicated!” he said after looking at the disgusted question mark on my face that by now had turned red! And here I thought I was making life simpler by abstaining myself from sarcasm and maintaining single standards in life!

I know and I agree that I have this unnecessary knack of mounting the issues that seriously bother me but this was something that I really wasn’t expecting and no matter however much I want to run away from it I know he was speaking the truth. So, uncannily he has left me wondering now as to what am I supposed to do and I am just not finding any answers.

I for sure don’t think I will ever be able to learn the art of twisting my words, so if I had to go by my dear friend’s thoughts, I am assuming all my life I am going to explain people that I was being sarcastic!

HELP!

How do you know you truly love someone?

Is it important to you that that love is returned?

Who do you love and why?

I wasn’t going to write on this topic for personal reasons but then the reason why I chose not to write on this wasn’t worth it. So for that sake at least, I will write something.

I have tried to answer very honestly but for many, this blog will be a very pessimistic approach towards the topic, so it is really not mandatory for every one of you to go through it.

How do you know when you truly love someone?

Well… I haven’t been really lucky enough to fall in love or rather be in love. As the more rational headed I am getting, my faith in it, is as far as ‘my love life’ is concerned, decreasing day by day.

Somewhere down the line, I am scared to be emotionally dependent on someone as in my experience, when you don’t get a proper response, it’s too unnerving! And I am a born insecured creature, so why unnecessarily go through those frightening moments?

So I, honestly don’t think, will ever know if I will truly be in love with someone (strongly doubt it now) as in my case now at this stage, it’s just not worth it.

Is it important to you that love is returned?

I would be lying if I said its not. Firstly I can never figure myself out in a romantic picture. I just don’t fit that way in my mind somehow. So obviously if I ever love someone, the person will ‘have to be’ doubly romantic to fill in my gap!

In case if it happens that I love someone and the person doesn’t, then I am really not the kind who would blindly wait for that person. I would rather move on with my life (I have become a pro now) and forget about it. Many people call it a very insensitive approach towards love but then I, consciously, don’t want to keep a sensitive approach towards love as my sensitivity can drown me deep in an ocean!

Who do you love and why?

At this moment in my life, I just love my friends simply because they have provided me with that emotional security that was much needed in my precarious life. I love them because I am not scared of getting judged by them. I love them because I know they are not there with me coz I am some candy material for them. I love them because I can be myself with them and talk endlessly and intrepidly to them. I love them because I know I can call them and crash down even at midnight! I love them just because they are there like cushions for me whenever I want and I can love them endlessly just because they are there in my life…

I also know that I tend to take people I love the most for granted umpteen numbers of time and so for my friends who are going to read this, I genuinely feel extremely sorry for it. And I love them all the more when they let go my ‘taking people for granted’ nature.

I always tell my friends, if I ever romantically get involved with someone, it has to be my best friend because the security that I yearn for in a relationship, only your best friend can provide. I can any day sacrifice love for emotional security of being loved by someone when I want to get into a relationship. However, in my case, I have always fallen for wrong people and then tumbled hard after that. So I really have no hope of loving or being loved as for me the term ‘love’ has become too ambiguous and awfully heavy and preposterous!