Dear Diary,

          This is one of those days when I wished my blog was personal and I could just let the feelings have an outflow. You ask me why don’t I do it now and I have no answer. Do I want to be heard? I don’t know, after thoroughly ignoring you not many come by to read it anyway. The devil in me asks, is it because I am so self obsessed? I really don’t have an answer to that!

          This is more pertaining to things that I hear but I could have done better without. The kind of things that tick the thinking bomb in me (considering that I have no work these days anything could do that!). While having a chat with a friend today, he said that I give my 100% to people but chances of not getting the returns could hurt me big time! I don’t really want to delve into as to whether I give my 100% to others or not. The point is what should exceed, how much of me I am ‘supposed to give’ or expectations from them? I have always fallen short of my expectations from others in the past; so much that now acceptance comes easy to me. I don’t question, I don’t express, I don’t weigh ‘give and take’ and life becomes easy or has it? Everything comes down to my choices. The choice of giving is mine, why should others pay for it? After all, I am doing things that I like and not a favor to someone! So what if it’s at the cost of increasing expectations from me? Do I really do these things because I know that by not doing them is going to make me lonely as I will not be fulfilling others’ expectations or because I want to be the needed one for the heck of my ego boost? I must be a selfish person then…

         The unanswered question yet is where can I draw a line?

         I just answered almost all my own questions but why does the base change from choices to feelings then? Why does it still hurt in spite of having the burden of the knowledge that I claim to gain? And I remind myself of choices, the best thing what this book ‘The Zahir’ could teach me of respecting the choices that I make. And I constantly remind myself of the same, choices!

Couldn’t feel lonelier than this…

-Nikita